"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
-Dave Barry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
-Conan O'Brien

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-Paul Rodriguez

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."
-Jackie Gleason

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?'"
-Jay Leno