Ads in Bills:
Notice how they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels, egg shells . . . I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for, then, I noticed women kept coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but try getting that April fresh scent out of your clothes before you go out with the boys.

Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest ... Indiana. Very nice people there, in Indiana. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes". For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly". I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. For twenty minutes, we have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my God! He's kicking! Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God . . . give me your hand . . . it won't be long now . . . "

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And what do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, then you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, get laid, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating in warm liquid . . . and you check out as a gleam.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials: The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it ... then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote . . . They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up, looking proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 a minute (Into phone) "No, I don't want anything ... I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, this is Beth! It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love." [Beep]. "Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."