"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
- Jimmy Shubert

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
- Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
- Stephen Wright

"I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'"
- Emo Philips

"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
- Jeff Green

"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my president get head."
- Elon Gold

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
-Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-Rich Jeni

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
-Emo Philips