Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than you were last year.

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Martha Stewart - Just started talking to God.

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan - God.