Don't write anything down. We can guess what the error message might have been.

When we say a tech says he is coming right over, go for coffee. It's no problem to try and guess your screen saver password.

When you call us to have your computer moved or repaired, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, post-it notes and small plastic toys from chocolate eggs. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply Moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right up and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.

Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When you call a techie's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the managing director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a techies desk with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper or doodle aimlessly. We don't actually mean for you to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly? That'll get us going.

When we offer training on the upcoming operating system upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job 10 or 15 times to all the printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack.

Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime money.

When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

When a tech finds the porno pictures in your Recycle Bin, tell her you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.

If you have WindowsNT, feel free to change the local administrator's password to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a kilo of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.