I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . .they have no holidays.
-Henny Youngman

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found.
-Calvin Trillin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-Benjamin Disraeali

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
-Sam Levenson

Don't be humble; you are not that great.
-Golda Meir

God will pardon me. It's His business.
-Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
-Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
-Sam Goldwyn

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
-Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
-Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
-Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
-George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
-Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
-Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
-Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
-Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
-George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
-Henry Kissinger