"Have you heard the good news? Over the weekend J. Lo got married to Marc Anthony. No date has been set for the divorce." --David Letterman

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"John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president ... did you see it on the news? This is a really cool plane. In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall from the ceiling to keep people awake." --Jay Leno

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"Former President Clinton is in the news. He says that he hopes President Bush and John Kerry will have a smart, rigourous campaign without childish name calling. In response President Bush said that it's okay with me as long as it's okay with poopy pants." --Conan O'Brien