Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for awhile ... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

If you remember the 60s, you weren't there.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month- and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."