1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.

3. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

4. All things equal, fat people use more soap.

5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

6. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.

7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

8. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.

15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

16. No one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

18. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it.

20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

21. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

22. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

27. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

29. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

30. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.