After the 9th Circuit ruled that it was unconstitutional to have school children recite the pledge of allegiance because it contains the phrase "one nation under god" the New Yorker magazine called Robin Williams and asked him if he could suggest any alternatives.

His response: "Why don't they change it to 'One nation under Canada?'"

------------------------

A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe. The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?"

"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."

------------------------

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."

Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered.

"If you smile, put them back."

------------------------

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you frickin' moron?"