W.C. Fields' 12-step program...

1. "I drink therefore I am."

2. "There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation."

3. "Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

4. "Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

5. "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

6. "Anything worth having is worth cheating for."

7. "Never give a sucker an even break."

8. "Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth."

9. "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words."

10. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty."

11. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar."

12. "Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."