"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin."

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"Honesty is the best policy-when there is money in it."

"I am different from [George] Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't."

"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have friends in both places."

"If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

"Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand."

"October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February."

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

"There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice."

"To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble."

"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't."

"Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it."

"We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read."

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

"When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people."

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."