"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"

"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"

"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"

"If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse...
.... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"