Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing( and then they marry him.)

Gay, straight... they all want blow jobs.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"