Stock Market Dictionary for the past year investor:

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to G-d.

Bill Gates - Where G-d goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan - G-d.