What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.

I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."