Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication.

I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation.

This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.

Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination.

I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.