Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

We're lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can watch their government in action.

Mountaintop Glue-Ru: "Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it out! Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself!"

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.