ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

West Virginia: Five Million People, One Hundred Last Names.

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't done anything.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was all but impossible.