- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

- I intend to live forever - so far, so good

- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

- Mental backup in progress- Do Not Disturb!

- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose