My fellow Americans, it's about damn time. All you liberals can just kiss my big, white Texas ass if you think I'm gonna spew a boatload of bipartisan bullshit. Let's set the record straight here. I won, dammit. Hell, I won FOUR OR FIVE TIMES, you stupid bastards.

We got the Presidency, we got Congress, and by the end of four years we'll have even more of the Supreme Court. The Republicans are here, and we're gona show you how it's done. Ya'll want me to reach across party lines now?

How 'bout I reach across and bitch-slap all your sorry-liberal-monkey-asses?

How'dya like that? Don't get me wrong, here. The sense of satisfaction I'm feeling right now isn't that I've won-it's that I won't have to listen to Al Gore bitch and moan about "letting every vote count". The only reason this went as far as it did is because you Democrats have a playground crybaby as your poster-boy, and I for one am glad I won't have to see him on TV anymore. This might sound snippy, Mr. Gore, but as we used to say in the sandlot...LOSERS WALK!!!

As I said in my campaign, I promised to be a president who focuses on education. My first task as President will be to start an educational program for all you Florida-idiots who can't tell your elbow from your asshole or how to poke a stylus through the right hole.

I don't get you liberal Democrats: when we're talking about Bill Clinton and some office whore, you say that lack of penetration doesn't count; but when it comes to ballots, lack of penetration DOES count.

You want a solution to this problem? Take some Viagra, you old farts, and finish what you started next election. Until then, I want to ask you just one question: "Who's yer daddy???"

And so I humbly accept the office of President of these United States.

Thank you.