Bush assumes role as president. Expected to make ass out of u and me.

As the newly elected leader of the free world, Mr. Bush spent his first day in office marveling at how fast he could spin around in his new swivel chair. "I got so dizzy," Mr. Bush said. "It made me realize how crazy this job could get."

He spent the rest of the day trying to pick the appropriate voicemail message. According to White House aides, Mr. Bush wants he message to be brief, but funny. "The President is aware of how many important people will be listening to his voicemail message, and he is determined to make it a very a good one," Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said.

Mr. Bush also spent much of his day leafing through the calendar and marking all the days he has off of work. "Oh man," the dumbfounded chief executive said, "it's like more than three weeks before President's Day."