Someone once asked, "Why are parents so impatient for a child to take his first steps and speak his first words, when the parents will spend the next 17 years telling the kid to shut up and sit down?"

I disagree. I see a walking child as one who can bring me my slippers from the other side of the room, and a talking child as one whom I can intelligently warn about the dangers of life.
For example:

* Don't pet that dog; it will eat your face off.

* Don't go into the street; a car will run you over and you'll end up like a banana pancake. That includes your new shoes.

* Don't forget to wash your hands after playing in the sand. There are tiny eggs under your fingernails that get into your mouth and hatch in your belly, and then at night worms crawl out of your bottom. (I especially like this one because after I say it, I get a 10-minute break as they discuss it quietly among themselves.)

* Don't crawl into the refrigerator. There is green stuff on the leftovers that is growing faster than you are. By morning it will break out of the plastic containers and beat you up.

* Don't touch the knives. You'll cut off your fingers and then you can say goodbye to things like ripping off your diaper, locking yourself in the bathroom and poking the dessert just before the company comes.

* Don't stand around with your fingers in your nose. Other kids will think you're creepy and throw sand at you. Plus, their parents will wonder where you learned it.

* Don't unbuckle your seat belt. You might get put in prison. You'll have to celebrate your birthday with a bunch of murderers, perverts and lawyers.