In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

LimbaughiumLb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

BillclintiumBc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

CanadiumEh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

InnofensiumPc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

QuayliumVp
Einsteinium it ain't.

BudweisiumPs
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

CabmiumCb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

PoliticiumPo
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

SnotSn
Bonds forever with corduroy.