Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got something hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy."
--Michael Hayward

"Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral."
--Robert Orben

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took four state troopers and a dog."
--Unknown