What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...Men will screw anything.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner and gets in the tub.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He breathes.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and a beer bottle have in common?
The are both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell of a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No-one knows ...it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken, and the ones left are handicapped .

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum under them.

What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scumsucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind 2. No business

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

If men got pregnant, abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-thru windows.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes all the decisions.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.