There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"Well, what do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."