If you recognize yourself in any of the situations below, you're in real trouble.

On the other hand, if you do, chances are that you don't care anyway.

Drinkers' Troubleshooting Guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom :Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!