What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.

What do the LAPD and the New York Jets have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.