"Fatherhood is pretending that the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."
- Bill Cosby

"I went on a diet - had to go on two diets at the same time 'cause one diet wasn't giving me enough food."
- Barry Marter

"I descended from a very long line my mother foolishly listened to."
-- Phyllis Diller

"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night last night. I finally had to let her out of my room."
- Henny Youngman

"I love being married... I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences."
- Brian Kiley

"This guy came up to me at a bar and said 'Hey cupcake, can I buy you a drink?' I said, 'No, but I'll take the three bucks.'"
- Margaret Smith

"You are not a kid anymore when you are obsessed with the thermostat."
- Jeff Foxworthy

"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
- Erma Bombeck